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I love quotes! Do you?

Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me.
Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

Bree: Oh, and doctor, if what he is about to discuss has anything to do with adultery, prostitution or Internet pornography, I would really appreciate you taking a moral hard line.

Bree: I love to try out new recipes before the holidays. That way if the cookbook has it wrong, I can fix it.

Lynette: Seriously, you're taking your kids' medication?
Jordana: Once in a while. Do you want a couple?
Lynette: Oh, that's very kind of you, but I just smoked some crack a little while ago, so I better not mix.

Bree: Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex.
Dr. Goldfine: All right.
Bree: I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm ... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man’s nipple ever so gently. And then there’s the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don’t like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I’m just not a fan.

Edie: I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!
Martha: Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched.

Rex: What's this?
Bree: Your son's urine

Rex: I'm gunna need a minute!

Yao Lin: The only reason you have anything in your life is because you’re pretty. One day you’ll be old, and when that happens you’ll be nothing.
Gabrielle: You are so fired.
Yao Lin: No kidding.

Carlos: You've been paying more attention to your food than you have to me lately.
Gabrielle: I plan on getting really fat as a tribute to your mother.

Cyrus: Ms. Britt, you look extra beautiful today.
Edie: Oh, Cyrus, you’re so sweet.
Cyrus: So anyhow, I was wondering if maybe I could, uh, take you out to dinner sometime.
Edie: Oh honey... you are so far out of your league that you are playing a completely different sport.

Bree: George, do you have an erection?
George: I'm sorry! You were blowing in my ear!
Bree: You have to get rid of it! There are children present!

(Bree is polishing silver when the phone rings.)
Bree: Hello?
Dr. Craig: Bree, it's Dr. Craig. I'm at the hospital, and I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Bree: Oh?
Dr. Craig: Rex passed away about ten minutes ago.
Bree: But his operation, it's not until tomorrow.
Dr. Craig: I know. He just didn't make it. I'm so sorry. We did everything we could. Bree?
Bree: Yes, of course you did. Thank you very much for calling.
(Bree slowly hangs up the phone. She walks into the dining room and finishes polishing the silver. She closes the box and puts it on the shelf. She walks to the table and straightens the tablecloth. She sits down and, looking at the empty chair across the table from her, begins to sob.)

John: So what, you don't love me?
Gabrielle: Well, up until the point that you told my husband we were having an affair, I was quite fond of you. Since then, not a fan!

Dr. Goldfine: So you agreed to marry him just to be polite?
Bree: Well, obviously there’s a down side to having good manners.

Gabrielle: You! What the hell did you do with my husband?
Sister Mary: Please restrain yourself, Gabrielle, you are in the House of God.
Gabrielle: Tell me where he is!
Sister Mary: Everywhere, of course.

Parker: So, who won the fight?
Tom: We weren't fighting, mommy's just letting daddy know where he stands.

Susan: But I gotta be honest, the fact that you can't even cut that steak isn't helping.
Dr.Ron: That's not fair. You overcooked it, and, frankly, it's not the freshest meat.
Susan: Well, neither am I. I've got thirty-five years on that cow.

Gabrielle: So just to be clear, some slutty cheerleader gets knocked up by the soccer coach behind the local gas 'n gulp, and she is going to make sure we're quality people?
Carlos: You don't need to answer that.

Xiao-Mei: I can’t go home. My uncle will sell me again.
Gabrielle: Oh no, no Xiao-Mei, you’re not going anywhere. You’re much too important to Carlos and me. We’re gonna fight this and we’re gonna win!
Bree: Gaby, you can’t promise her that!
Gabrielle: Bree, you heard what she said. I can’t let this poor kid go back to China and become someone’s slave!
Xiao-Mei: Thank you.
Gabrielle: All right, look my friends want to take some of this to go, so pack it up and we’re a little low on coffee.

(Susan moves closer to Edie. Edie looks at Susan suspiciously.)
Edie: You're wearing a wire, aren't you?
Susan: Huh?
Edie: Open that blouse!
Susan: What? No!
Edie: Open that blouse!
(Edie rips open Susan's blouse and sees the microphone. Susan runs.)
Edie: Ahhhhh! You can't outrun me, Mayer. I'm in the best shape of my life!
Susan: Oh good. Then you'll be prime meat picking when you go to jail!
Edie: You bitch!
Susan: Bite me!

Susan: (Into her phone) Hey, it's just me again. Um... when you got the invitation, I thought that you gave me the thumbs up, but I guess if that was actually... some other type of finger gesture, uh... well, I apologize for leaving you all these messages and wasting your time.

Danielle: Mom, please move.
Bree: No. I gave up on your brother, and I'm not gonna make that mistake with you.
Matthew: We don't have time for this.
(Matthew pulls out a gun and points it at Bree.)
Danielle: Where did you get that? What are you doing?!
Matthew: Move away!
Bree: Danielle, I want you to get out of the house now. He's a killer.
Matthew: Shut up!
Danielle: Don't point that at my mother!
Bree: Danielle! I'm serious, go.
Matthew: What's wrong with you?! I'm gonna shoot you!
Danielle: Matthew, stop it!
Bree: If that's what it takes... to get my daughter...
Danielle: Stop it!
Bree: ...to see who you really are...
Danielle: Stop pointing that at my mother!
Bree: ...then fine.
Danielle: What are you doing?!
Bree: Do it.
Danielle: Stop!

Lynette: So what're you saying? You're more afraid of Nora than you are of me?
Tom: (stuttering) Is that what you think I meant? Because that's not what I meant! (Lynette keeps glaring at him) You scare the hell outta me baby!

Lynette: So if Tom was cheating, you wouldn't tell me?
Gabrielle: No! But I would hire someone to beat the crap out of him.
Lynette: Aww, you're sweet.

Danielle: (to Bree) When are you going to take me seriously?!
Bree: When you start acting like an adult.
Andrew: She sleeps with them, that's a start.

Nora is whispering to Lynette.
Nora: I hope all this is giving you a little perspective on our situation.
Lynette: Shh! She told us not to talk.
Nora: You're thinking about your kids, right? How awful it'd be to never see them again. Well, that's what you're asking me to feel, but for the rest of my life!
Lynette: Nora, please!
Carolyn: Hey, what'd I say?
Lynette: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll, we'll be quiet.
Carolyn: You and your friend are really starting to bug me.
Lynette: She's not my friend.
Nora: She's trying to steal my kid.
Lynette: Nora, shut up!
Carolyn: Is that true?
Lynette: No! I, we're, we have, we're sharing custody, and then, she tried to seduce my husband, so...
Carolyn: She put the moves on your husband? Why didn't you say so?
She turns the gun on Nora and shoots her coldly. The other customers gasp and shriek.
Carolyn: Don't look at me that way you know you wanted her dead.
Lynette: How could you say that?
Carolyn: Well you tolld me about her and your husband when I ade it preety clear n where I stand on whores.
Lynette: I did not want this, don't you dare say that I wanted this.
Carolyn: Shut Up!
(Lynette stands up and wipes some of Nora's blood over her face.)
Lynette: No I will not shut up whats the matter with you!
Carolyn: Have you not been paying attention? My husband cheated on me!
Lynette: Who Cares!? Who Cares!? We all have pain, everyone in here has pain but we deal with it, we swallow it and get going with our lives what we don't do is go around shooting strangers!
Carolyn: She deserved it!
Lynette: Well maybe you deserved to be cheated on!

More coming soon.